


The Time Is Now, They're Gonna Do Their Dance

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [122]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Doofapus, Fight Sex, Hand Jobs, M/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Masturbation, POV Second Person, Simultaneous Orgasm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:21:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26195554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: "It was simple! The best way to beat a platypus was to become...a platypus. That way our skills would be evenly matched."
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [122]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/746841
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	The Time Is Now, They're Gonna Do Their Dance

**Author's Note:**

> fuck fuck it's a platypus fuck

You'd hoped your nemesis could at least wait until _after_ you'd finished your tea, but _no_. Apparently not. You hadn't even had a chance to try it. Which isn't fair, Heinz always makes the best tea, that's why you always accept his offer.

Oh well. If he wants a fight, you'll give him one. That's your job as his nemesis. Kicking him off, you get to your feet, swinging a fist at his head.

He leans back, out of the way of your punch. Right. _Evenly matched_. Fuck, you're going to _enjoy_ this.

Ducking the return punch, you allow yourself a smile. It's been too long since you've had a fight _this_ close. Not since you were a trainee agent, since... the Academy. He's _good_ , he's always _good_ , and right now he's _breathtaking_.

Literally breathtaking, his fist driving into your gut, leaving you _gasping_. He's not holding back and neither should you.

Another one comes on its heels and you kick out, sending him reeling back, winded. That was his mistake, getting too close. Yours too. Following it up with an uppercut, you put more strength behind it. He deserves your _best_. Even if he _did_ deny you your tea.

He grabs your wrist and wrenches downwards, raising his other fist, which you block the same way. Evenly matched, again. Giving you another grin, like he has another _scheme_ planned, he circles around you, and you respond in kind. He steps forward, you step back. You step forward, he steps back. It's like a dance, one as familiar as breathing, as familiar as fighting him.

No, it _is_ a dance. His paws slide into yours as you turn, revolving around the space between your bodies, his breath on your bill. Whatever he's planning-

When did he get so close?

Barely breathing now, you tighten your grip on his paws, setting your brows in a frown. Surely he knows he's pushing at the edges of your nemesisship again. Is that his _scheme_ , catching you off-guard? You won't fall for it, not this time, even with his familiar scent filling your lungs.

"Perry the Platypus..." The words are quiet, barely louder than your heartbeat pounding in your chest.

In response, you run your thumb across his knuckles in what could almost be termed a caress, allowing yourself a moment of satisfaction as his breath hitches. Hiding his reactions has never been one of his strengths. That's why you've always been able to thwart him in the end, some weakness he's shown without thinking.

He glances away, in a way you could only describe as _shy_ , and swallows audibly. "I've been thinking, about _us_ , and- I mean- Do you want to..."

Kiss him like the characters in your stories? If this is what he wants, you can't bring yourself to object. Pulling a paw free, you run it down the fur on his chest - definitely _fur_ , you're not sure how he thought platypuses had _feathers_ \- while he does the same. Even here, you're evenly matched. Equals.

"Is that a _yes_ , or-"

You nuzzle at his neck and chirr, squeezing the paw you're still clutching. Of course it is. You wouldn't have let it get this far in the first place if you didn't _want_ to do this, with _him_. Paw drifting lower, you focus on the way he tenses and relaxes at your touch, the shape of his body under your palm, the way he's matching you once again. Your cock stirs inside you, pulsing at the thought.

Underneath his new fur, he's still the nemesis you know so well, bone and sinew and sharp corners, each individual rib still clearly outlined despite his rounded belly. Your opposite and your equal. Breathing in his scent, stronger now that he's not covering himself with _clothing_ , you close your eyes.

Throwing his arm around your shoulders, he pulls his other paw free and slides it between your legs, to your aching cloaca and the cock hidden inside. Is this what _humans_ do to mate? " _Relax_ , Perry the Platypus, I know what I'm doing," he murmurs, rubbing at you with his fingertips, coaxing your dick out and into his palm. "I've done this before. Not with a platypus, or _as_ a platypus, but it can't be _that_ different-"

You clutch at his shoulders with a growl while he monologues, weak at the knees. Time to find _his_ cloaca. He may have experience in mating, but you're more experienced at being a _platypus_. A twist of your paw and you're pushing a finger into him, feeling him tense around you, his voice dying, and you chuckle to yourself. Looks like you finally found the _off_ button for his rambling. You don't stop there, teasing _his_ cock out, giving it a slow stroke to feel him shiver against you. If _this_ is human mating, you can see why they're all so obsessed with it.

"You're- you're _good_ at this," he rasps into your neck, his paw precisely matching the pace you've set despite the way he's clinging to you, not that you're any better. Evenly matched once more. "Of course you are, you're a _Good Guy_ , everyone knows Good Guys know the art of _seduction_ , it's, like, a _law_ or something- What do you _have_ down here, anyway? Spikes? Whatever it is, it's _nice_ -"

Human cocks must be weirder than you thought, if he's this surprised by yours. You press your thumb between his tips the way you always like, his pleased gasp all the encouragement you need to keep going, faster now, eager to best him here too.

He'll keep up, he always does, you're counting on it. That's why he's still your nemesis, because he's the only one who _can_ keep up.

And he _does_.

Trembling, you stuff your fist in your bill to muffle your whimpers, hips jerking into his paw. What has your nemesis brought you to? Orgasm, nearly. You just have to hold out a little longer, you can't lose to him, not _now_ -

"Perry the Platypus, I'm-"

Pleasure crashes over you like a wave, flooding through every nerve. Overwhelming. Your legs threaten to give out so you cling to him, as tightly as he's holding onto you, and you can't help but laugh. Even _here_ , you're evenly matched. Of course.

You stay for as long as you dare, catching your breath. Mating with your nemesis. The worst, and quite possibly the best, idea you've ever had. Par for the course with Heinz.

Groaning, he shrugs your arm off his shoulders and pulls away, pulling a face when he looks down. "Eugh, I'm gonna go clean up. I mean it was _great_ and all, don't get me wrong, but _you_ really made a _mess_ of my, uh- Huh, so it _is_ fur after all. I always _wondered_. Not that _you_ look any better. Come on, I'll help you clean up, how does that sound?"

It sounds great. And then, afterwards, he can make you some more tea to make up for the cup he denied you earlier. _Then_ you can get back to fighting him.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [When Platypi Fight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM2KXEzV-RI), aka I pulled straight from canon and not just from canon but from _relevant_ canon for once. And wrote Doofapus!Heinz, for once.
> 
> Originally drafted in early 2017 and then shelved, I pulled this idea out, uh, under 24 hours ago, and completely rewrote it.
> 
> Perryshmirtz server link in series description as always.


End file.
